Losing control!

Recently I thought a lot about the necessity and problem with control: The control of society, controlling ourselves, and being in control of what we do. Especially how quickly control can prevent us from following up on what we'd really want to do by obeying rules (sometimes even the ones that are just in our head).

We all agree the world would be pretty crazy and chaotic without control. But does it create a system we feel save in or does it make us be afraid of doing something wrong? We've been told how to 'function' in society, how to be on time, do a job we get paid for - being a disciplined human being. But what if being trained to control ourselves actually cages us in? The irony is: It doesn't even seem to truly prevent us from the things we're afraid of looking at the daily news. Things happen and life doesn't follow rules.

Now, I don't have any intention to cause a stir but I've noticed how being an artist goes against so many things we've been taught so perfectly to fit in. That makes our job so difficult. Keeping a free spirit in a time when the last rebel bends his rules to be able to pay the bills (I've heard even speaking parts get paid like a 'featured extra' these days) makes it pretty difficult. We don't live in regal medieval times or the conservative fifties any more, but we definitely still have a lot of regulations to face.

So how do we deal with control? I got very inspired by a friend who has already distant himself from conformity in some ways. Let's call him my writer friend "Mr. Z" who gave up his control over "who he will have children with" by anonymously donating into a cup a few times per week and making unknown people happy with his genetics. And judging by his looks he probably already produced a couple of blue eyed, blond sweethearts!

My personal feeling of loosing ground was recently when I was struggling with the decision to get married in the early stages of my relationship. Also, because it meant leaving my family & friends behind and moving to an entirely different country (a huge step for me). Gladly I managed to decide un-controlled and got rewarded with new challenges such as an entirely different culture, new friends, mastering the American accent, the excitement of starting a new career, a marriage. It really got my juices going!



Boarding at LAX, just after meeting

 The entire experience of meeting my husband at the airport, having a first date on the plane 30 minutes later - which became date two and three during the thirteen hours we had to make use of the limited time - and continuing the relationship long distance was a true test of my openness and willingness to hang loose (which was already stated so perfectly on his shirt that afternoon).
 
Right now I'm at a point where I'm facing my small control issues like tidying up the house all day (just in case company might come by), planning out my day so damn perfectly (to get everything done) and only feeling wholesome when validated (which can be anything really).

We only live once and I'm currently developing allergies against expectations and those "invisible" rules that others or we ourselves put upon us. Just watching TV makes me over think at least a dozen things in my life per advertisement break when those thoughts simply distract me from focussing on my true needs. My irresponsible lack of insurances, diet programs, depression pills, cleaning products, hair irons, cute children, etc. that is. I'm sure everyone can relate to that. No wonder we constantly question ourselves and are afraid of not fitting in.

My re-found secret is to resist any kind of influence that doesn't match my true inner believes. Even more so: I feel strong enough to face judgements or complaints (and re-learn to stand up for my mistakes that are necessary to make) and distant myself from people who threaten my confidence. Others will always find things to critic because they think it makes them more wholesome to find flaws in others. Being intimidated though will always take away from our personality (Note for actors: A strong personality is what actually gets us on the screen).

Our wedding 18 months later

I think it really comes down to the common misconception that perfectionism is the ultimate goal. Did you ever notice the more "perfect" we're trying to be, the more things happen to us that proof us wrong? It's a true phenomenon. I believe that's because we need to accept our individuality, flaws and struggles as part of ourselves. Enjoy the ride. Who says they're negative in the first place?! Exactly: Other people, religions or politicians who end up arguing over those rules anyway. That's why the definition of society changes every fifty years- because it's founded on personal opinions, taste or beliefs. My grandparents went through three different political systems alone and told me personally that none of them was "perfect".

Of course it's a thin line between being a professional actor functioning on set and an open artist ready to explore! We've seen it all too many times. But it's our job not to cage us in and find our own individual balance... cage-free!

Your FreeNista.